LIMITATIONS OF TECHNIQUE
So far, we have discussed the physical aspects of various sexual techniques. It is important to end this discussion with some comment on the limitations of sexual technique.
In a very real sense, there is no such thing as the “right” and the “wrong” technique. Definitions of arousing and pleasurable sexual activities are not to be found in a recipe for sexual success. What is good sexual technique is what is arousing and enjoyable for both partners, and for that there is no list guaranteed always to please. A “skilled lover” is one who does things which highly arouse and please one’s partner.
What these might be depends on one’s partner. You can know ninety-nine different coital positions and forty-two different ways of engaging in oral sex, be the only one on your block to know the old handkerchief trick, and still be a sexual flop if your partner is perfectly satisfied with one coital position, is not into oral sex, and could care less what you do with your handkerchief. What makes for satisfying sex is sensitivity to, and communication with, each other regardless of technique.
As far as sexual equipment is concerned, the same principles apply. The crucial factor is not the equipment, but the operator. Males, having learned that bigger is better, often worry about their penis size. Research reveals that men think penis size is more important to a woman’s sexual satisfaction than women say it is (Tavris, 1977). For all but very, very few males, what they have will do just fine. Sex, unlike baseball, is not a game of inches. Females often worry about the attractiveness of their bodies, including the size and shape of such anatomical structures as legs, hips, and breasts.
If only the beautiful, taut, and heavily endowed could experience high levels of sexual arousal and satisfaction, most of the world would be permanently stuck at the excitement stage. If, however, sexual partners like each other as persons, they will find that their sexual equipment works very well. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with being more sexually aroused by large or small breasts, fat or skinny bodies, or large or small penises. It is just that these attributes do not mean the same thing to all people, and what is a turn-on to one person will not even gain the attention of another.
There is certainly no harm, and in fact probably considerable benefit, in being informed about such things as sexual techniques and equipment. However, being concerned about such things can not only lead to fear of being a failure in sexual performance, but is likely to miss the mark in terms of what we know are the essential elements of sexual pleasure and satisfaction: interpersonal communication, understanding, and sensitivity.